Dunce Flash: An Open Letter to Katy Perry (from Jessie Spano!)

Jessie Spano has heard her “California gurl” anthem – and she is none too happy.

Jezebel posted this open letter from Slater’s girl to candy queen Katy Perry, in which Spano (of the NBC sitcom “Saved by the Bell“) lambastes Perry’s track “California Gurls” for its generalization of girls from the Golden State.


Teaser from Katy Perry ftr. Snoop Dogg, “California Gurls”
watch full video at youtube

“My boyfriend is a macho pig and therefore enjoys your song and video very much, as it fits his limited view of femininity and sexuality,” writes Spano (played by Elizabeth Berkley in the series) in a hilarious characterization of her boyfriend, the brawny and Jheri-curled Slater, “namely, that I, a California girl (your intentional misspelling may be an homage of sorts, but that doesn’t make it any less offensive to those of us who enjoy proper English), should exist solely to provide sexual excitement whilst wearing a bra made out of whipped cream cans.”

The writer, Hortense, perfectly captures Spano’s burgeoning feminism while mocking the flimsy and superficial characterizations of my generation’s beloved “Saved by the Bell.” Spano tackles Perry’s frivolous sexism while lauding the tacky imagery of Perry’s music video. Pure hilarity. I can only imagine the fangirl letter Kelly Kapowski must have sent Perry – and the Farrah Fawcett-esque bikini poster of Perry clad in whipped cream brassiere that must don Zack Morris’s wall.

Check out Spano’s caffeine-induced (and much satirized) breakdown – mentioned in the letter – below.


Jessie’s Breakdown from “Jessie’s Song”
Season 2, Episode 9 (1990)

And from the Daily What via the Huffington Post, a graph by Tumblr user Nathaniel James capturing the spread of Spano’s caffeine intake in that very same episode.

“California Gurls,” which just reached number one in the U.K., is the electropop lead single from Perry’s upcoming third studio album Teenage Dream. The album is slated to hit U.S. record stores August 24. Dennis Wilson must be rolling in his grave.

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